Earwax

Sally’s husband had been having trouble with his ears of late. Sally had the sneaking feeling he had allowed the wax in his ears to build up on purpose.

 

“You see…”

 

“What?”

 

“The earwax is a metaphor for our relationship.”

 

“What?”

 

“A metaphor.”

 

“What?”

 

“For our inability…our unwillingness to facilitate…”

 

“What?”

 

“Communication.”

 

“What?”

 

“Our unwillingness to listen to each other.”

 

“What? I can’t hear you. My ears are clogged.”

 

He seemed committed to this charade, so Sally tested her husband.

 

“You know I’ve been sleeping with another man.”

 

Her husband just squinted as if he hadn’t heard anything.

 

“Three men, in fact. At the same time. One of them a dwarf.”

 

“What?”

 

“I guess, I was just getting tired of your small dick.”

 

“Did you say something about my brother Nick?”

 

“Yeah, he was there, too. He was holding the camcorder.”

 

Her husband raised an eyebrow.

 

She thought about handing him a q-tip and some alcohol like she had the last time. She thought about sending him to a doctor to finally get his ears checked out. She thought about these things, but then she thought better of it.

 

“You know after I toss the dwarf down the well and murder your brother Nick, I think I’ll sell the sex tape to some off-brand porn production company. Then, when it’s available commercially, I think I’ll invite your mother to watch. Then, I think I’ll throw her down the well, too. She should survive for about a week eating the fleshy remains of the dwarf and your brother. It seems like we haven’t really been making use of the well in the backyard as much as we could. There are so many of your relatives I would like to throw down that well and watch starve to death.”

 

Her husband smiled as if he had understood her. But she knew he hadn’t. It was that blessed earwax. That glorious, blessed earwax.

 

“You know darling, after twenty years together, I think this is finally the start of a beautiful marriage.”

 

He smiled at her, then squinted slightly. “What?”

 

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